Love

I’m anxious, excited and scared as I enter the hospital room. Slowly walking through the open door and pulling back the curtain, I see my white-faced sister-in-law on the bed, my brother by her side, and my new little nephew plump and floppy in Solange’s arms. Solange, my sister-in-law’s mother, smiles, and a wave of relief spreads across my body as I turn to Emilia, and embrace my sister-in-law. Weak as she is, she smiles faintly. 

My brother, Soc (Socrates), comes around the bed and I congratulate him with a tight hug before turning to the man of the hour. I look into my beautiful nephew's eyes and my body relaxes, my emotions get the better of me and my eyes begin to weep. Tears drop from my face as I marvel at this beautiful piece of life. 

Little did I know how much power this little, 17 hour old human, had over me. Known for my lack of interest in babies, those in the room look shocked. Not knowing how to explain myself, I wipe away my tears and smile. The stressful labour, the uncertain outcome and the painful past no longer matters. I hold my new nephew in my arms and feel the warmth of his body on my chest. He nozzles his face between my breasts and comes to a pause near my heart. Calmed by the steady beat, he falls asleep - so trusting, innocent and natural. I sit there listening to the long and tiring 24 hours Soc, Em and Solange have just endured. Hearing these raw, painful excepts of the previous night makes this little man's life I am holding in my arms an even bigger miracle. 

Exhausted though he is, Soc gets up - re-adjusts Emilia’s pillow, re-fills her cup with water and checks her chart for the next meal. Solange goes for a break downstairs, and Emilia rests while my bother and I catch up. We talk about work, family and the new little man in our lives. After 20 minutes Emilia’s dinner arrives and Soc helps her get into a comfortable position without ripping her stitches. We keep her company while she eats, all the while I am holding a living, breathing human being in my arms. After Em finishes refeulling her tired body, a nurse comes in to assist in breast feeding - not an easy task for a new mum. 

Learning to use your body as a vital energy source instead for your own purpose would be unusual in every sense. However using your body, that’s exhausted, injured and still tender is a whole other story. A new technique is learned, a new feeling gained, and with this, new insecurities arise. Learning a painful new skill while also being ogled by those family members in the room is no mean feat. 

After a 30 minute feed - with different techniques for each breast - Emilia is exhausted - emotionally and physically. And yet, Soc is by her side - supporting her. With more friends and family arriving to pass on their congratulations I ask my brother if he’s eaten. Emilia leaps at this question and orders him to come and get a bite to eat with me. 

Walking down the corridor to the lift, I notice a new aura float around my brother. Once we enter the lift and the door closes I ask how he’s coping. He looks at me, his face, though exhausted, radiant. Seeing such raw emotion on someone so guarded is an absolute privilege.

Having to be the strong and stable one in the hospital room with medical terms, tubes and needles thrown at you and your wife is not only exhausting, it’s absolutely horrifying. Holding Em's fragile hand in-between contractions, in unfamiliar surroundings is unmeasurable beyond belief. And being responsible for not only creating a life, but curating an environment for a human being to grow up and feel safe in, is a new found pressure. Seeing all these thoughts and fears fall from his mind, and drift from his body was amazing. 

Being so vulnerable and allowing yourself to feel these thoughts and emotions is brave - it’s human and it’s beautiful. Society has forced us to formulate specific characteristics in our life that deviate how we feel and react in certain situations. However sometimes these sparks of life surprise us. And that five second window where I got to see my brother in a naked light - I will cherish forever. Because seeing raw, natural love is rare. And I can only hope to find that pure and organic love in my life one day.