Twenty-six

Shit should I have sent that message? Omg was that rude? Did that sound like a fake laugh?

These are all thoughts of a classic over thinker. Don't get me wrong I am a very confident person but I hate hurting someone's feelings. And now I'm second guessing myself in social situations. What is this anxious behaviour?

I didn't become an anxious person until mum passed away. Not only did I lose my best friend and security blanket, I lost a part of myself. I lost a sense of who I was. And for someone normally so confident - it was frightening. Not being able to make a simple decision - no matter how big or small - scared the shit out of me because I used to be the decisive one. Do I like the grey or denim jacket? Do I want pho or ramen? These are two simple questions, yet I could not answer them this past year.

Although this new doubt and tension has been shit to carry, I've been lucky. I have such a supportive network of friends and family around me - who have also experienced this life altering angst. Seeing it in my sister growing up made me aware, seeing it in my friends made me cautious, and seeing the impact it had on my sister-in-law was awful. But seeing it happen to me was terrifying. Who was I? Why am I this way? Why am I even here? When I couldn't answer these questions I was legitimately scared for life. How can I be 26 years old and not know myself? I hated who I was, I couldn't even look at myself. What the hell was going on?

I was anxious. And although it sucks when it's happening to you, just try to remember; it does pass, and you can become yourself again. You can be that badass woman you always were. You can be the decisive one. You can be the strong one. And you can help others when you see it happen to them.

Don’t be fooled, anxiety isn’t easy. It's actually fucking terrifying.