Happiness

Often I find myself lost. Not because I don't know what I want out of life, but because everyone around me is finding their place in the world. 

My place may not necessarily be with a partner, building a house, and filling it with lots children; which is fine. But having friends around me living adult lives, moving forward with with their significant other - whether that's spending more time with them, hanging out with their family or building a family of their own does make me seek what's next for me. 

But does this search lead to a longing for another person in my life? Or for a missing piece within myself? Having previously put my happiness within others like my mother and my best friend - means I have been relying on external factors for my own happiness. For too long I have searched for someone to fill the void of my deceased mother and my long lost best friend - someone that would be able to understand me instantly. Having siblings to ease this pain has been a big help, but they’ve got their own lives to get back to, their own partners and own families which are at the forefront of their mind. My best friend, now living overseas for three years, is still someone I speak to regularly, however the long-distance and time difference does make it hard when you are having a particularly bad day. 

So what am I to do? Sit here and be unhappy? No, I need to be the vanguard and realise what makes me happy to be me. Who am I, and what do I like? Yes, I like reading and writing but having a job in this field blurs the line between work and happiness. I love what I do, and I am passionate about it, but I need something that turns my brain off. I need a hobby that allows me to escape life when when I am physically and mentally exhausted. My once peaceful sanctuary has not been burned, but tainted with negativity, making relief and serenity harder to find.

The usual human response to this would be to find ‘another half’. Does that make me not whole? Do I truly need a partner to make me happy? I don't think so. And I think this is where societal expectations fucks with our perception, because we are then trained to believe that love is the solution. This reasoning is not only false, it creates an issue that was not previously there, and you start looking for love all around you - whether it’s with a close friend of yours, a colleague at work or a guy you met at a party. You begin longing for someone that you potentially never wanted and you only realise this ‘solution’ is wrong after you have their attention - hurting someone else in the process. 

These distractions not only complicates life more, but also furthers you from your end goal. Instead of finding your happiness with someone else, you need to find happiness within yourself. And this happiness can certainly change over time. I used to love escaping through pages of a book, and I still love pouring my soul out on paper, but now this world has become my work and I need a break from my usual comforts. Now I may not know what that happiness is yet, but I do know another person is not the answer.  

So then I start asking myself when was the last time I switched off? When was the last time I was truly happy? And when I find an an answer to that I will be sure to let you know… But even then, there will be many more steps to take to hold on to that feeling. So don’t be fooled by society and blinded by expectations - search for what is in your heart and not what is in another’s - because what you find in your heart will truly be able to warm your soul.