Love or infatuation?

The theory of attraction.

We’ve all experienced attraction in our lives. Whether they’ve been towards confident sportsmen in high school, or a teenage celebrity crush. While we may know these infatuations aren’t real, deep and defying love - these crushes do have some underlying substance. 

Think back to a crush you once had, there must have been a specific trait or feature that gave you that sense of attraction. It might have been his unshaking confidence, his smooth accent or his chiseled jaw line. Any, or all of these characteristics could have created this unexplainable reaction in your body - and these features, although strong at that time in your life, may not always cause such an effect. While you might have been drawn to physical appearances in the past, facial features may no longer be the first thing that captures your attention. 

For instance, my most recent crush was purely personality based. My compelling attraction to this man was interesting. He was not my physical type at all. He was not tall, dark and scrawny - he was blonde, white and regularly built. Although attractive to some - he was just not my cup of tea. So when I first met this man I really didn’t think twice. After meeting him a couple of times, it soon came apparent how similar we were. We connected mentally - he challenged my thoughts, asked interesting questions and always made me question my outlook on life. Having someone so intriguing, and mentally challenging was beyond any physical attraction I have ever felt. Our connection was natural and easy, and I could feel myself wanting more. Not knowing much about this person also gave a sense of excitement, my guard faltered and feelings started to develop. Fascination soon turned to desire and spread through my veins - fast, like a car in overdrive - until he mentions his partner. My emotions faltered, became weak, and began to retract. My feelings stopped running at full speed, became foggy and confused. They were heading fast on what I thought was an open road, and then was suddenly cut short - the road no longer visible, vanishing completely. 

Thinking back on this now, months later, I wonder if the road would have still been visible if he was single? Or better yet, would the road even exist if he was a woman? Why was I so drawn to someone irrespective of their physical appearance? Was it more of a chemical attraction than physical desire? Was this mental stimulation only attractive because he was male? Would I still feel these sparks if he was female? Does the fact that he was unattainable make him more attractive than I originally thought? If he hadn’t mentioned his partner would these feelings subside in due course? Or were these feelings purely hormonal?

Having no understanding of love at all I did some research, and learned that love is a result of three emotional components; lust, attraction and attachment. Lust usually described as your sex drive or libido, is driven by two main hormones - oestrogen and testosterone. Attraction usually categorised as infatuation, is driven by adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin. Attachment - the final piece of the puzzle - is usually described as companionship and is driven by oxytocin - a chemical messenger in the brain that creates a social bond. With lust, attraction and attachment giving you passion, happiness and companionship, you can see how these three separate emotions can be mistaken for love. 

So what exactly was I feeling towards this new friend of mine? Was I truly infatuated with this man if I felt no sexual attraction or desire? Was I attracted to him because of his mental capacity? Or was my attachment a social bond created from my desire for companionship? Since learning of his partner I haven't longed for him, and have since chosen to overlook my increased oxytocin levels. While we are still close friends today, I have not felt any further emotions develop or evolve. So was it knowing of his partner that stopped our connection in its tracks? Or was it the fact that we only had one love component that stopped our love story?

Another recent personality crush I’ve encountered was with a new female friend. She was from the country, quite introverted and loved art. Three things I know nothing about. We ended up connecting over our shared love of books - the way you can delve into a novel, escaping the realities of life. From this shared interest we opened up a bit more and found we not only shared a passion for literature, we shared extremely similar values and morals - something weirdly very hard to find. Our friendship grew and our conversations got deeper – I learned about her childhood, family and ambitions. With every subject came a new sense of infatuation. Who was this girl? And how were we so similar? Although we had such a close social bond, I again felt no physical attraction. Was this because she was female? Would I feel attracted to her if she was male and single? Although her companionship made me thrive and elated, my infatuation was purely personality based and did not grow further. 

My final and most recent crush was one I would have never, ever, ever, have guessed. Meeting through a friend, this man was confident, bold and a good dancer - three things I am usually attracted to. However his morals, passions and physical traits - although distinctive - were not for me. He was conventional and a bit prejudiced - yet his audacity captured my attention, and his offbeat dress sense and privileged nature was overlooked by my libido. Being so attracted to someone so indifferent was alarming. How could I be drawn to someone so short-sighted? Still friends today, I am constantly battling these conflicting feelings with some days being so overwhelmed by my attraction and other days being so vexed.

So if I am only able to find one of the three love components in three separate people, how do people find all three in one person? I am surrounded by happy couples so it does seem possible, but it also makes me wonder if these couples truly have all three love components or if they are just clouded by one component and their libido? Is the first emotional component, lust, purely based on sex and not connection? Is the second component, attraction, enough to build a relationship? And does the third component, attachment, last forever? 

Do we really need three pieces of the puzzle to live happily ever after, or do our hormones dictate our love story?