Fear

Spiders. Cockroaches. Enclosed spaces. What are you scared of?

I’ve always been afraid of my dad. The way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me. The way he lived his life.

I stopped being afraid of him in college—when I no longer felt he had power over me. When he had power over me he was in control of my life—and that was scary.

After I decided he no longer dictated who I was, where I was, and who I was going to be I wasn’t scared any more. So instead I focused on myself and what I wanted out of life. I held myself accountable. I was now the person responsible for my own happiness—I had the power. These years of my life were great; I lived by my own rules, was responsible for my own actions, and learned a lot.

It was only when mum fell ill that I felt scared again. This fear came from not being in control—from not being able to dictate my own happiness and the outcome I wanted. I had to once again give someone else control; doctors, naturopaths and even my dad. He was mum’s legal guardian and once again was in control of someone’s life and someone’s happiness. He made choices that myself and my siblings did not necessarily agree with. He enjoyed having the power and dictating his own choices upon us and my mother. I cannot explain how claustrophobic this was.

It was only after mum passed and I moved back to Melbourne when I felt free again. I could breathe again. I could be happy again. I could make my own decisions again.

But I’m the lucky one. I can stand up from my oppressor. I can make a stand - speak up and make a change. I can because I live in a country that gives me that option. I grew up in a civilisation where it was legal for me to receive education. I grew up wanting more because I knew it was possible.

Unfortunately there are so many other people out there - scared, intimidated, powerless - that don’t have that opportunity, don’t have that understanding, don’t have that option. And it’s for that reason that I want to talk about this, want to write about this, want to share it online - openly and honestly. It scares me to be vulnerable - to talk about things that make me uncomfortable, things I’m not necessarily proud of. But if I don’t speak up, if we all don’t speak up - we’re giving the wrong people the power. We’re letting the fear take over. And I for one don’t want to let that happen.