Decisions

Getting your hair cut can either be a pleasurable or horrifying experience. We’ve all had a bad haircut, some of us multiple times. However I’m guessing that when the hairdresser moved the mirror to show you the back of your hair you said: “Looks great!”

You probably waited until you were outside to start crying. Why do we all do this? Why not tell the truth “No it looks horrible! You fucked up my hair! How the hell am I supposed to go out in public now?”

The way I see it, you paid for their services. They fucked you over; you should get your money back. If you were at a restaurant and ordered crème brule but they gave you pudding, would you sit there and smile? Or would you tell them that they had clearly made a mistake? Of course you’d tell them they mixed up your order. Who wants pudding when you can have crème brule? But I guess there is a difference between receiving the wrong dish at a restaurant and getting a bad haircut. Maybe the equivalent of getting a bad hair cut is receiving the right dish but with a hair in it.

Whether you have a pleasant or terrifying haircut experience relies on the choices you make. One of the crucial decisions you need to make is if you would like a shampoo and blow-dry. If you choose yes, one of two scenarios will occur. One, the lady ordered to wash your hair is a pissed-off high school trainee who does not like her job. She sweeps dead hair off the floor and earns nine dollars an hour. If you are indeed the unfortunate soul who gets trapped with this inexperienced hairdresser, nothing good will come out of it. I repeat, nothing. She uses the wrong temperature to wash your hair; the water is cold, giving your head an ice bath and most likely a headache. While your head lies in the stone basin she begins to knead in the shampoo and attempts to give you a cranial massage. However, her skills are limited. And instead of this being a relaxing and in some ways therapeutic experience, it is painfully excruciating, her fake nails penetrating your scalp as she vigorously scrubs your hair like she’s trying to rid a stain from the bathroom floor.

In the second scenario, the woman requested to wash your hair is an experienced hairdresser and qualified masseuse. A graduate, with five certificates from TAFE for remedial massage, who does not possess fake nails. This woman uses exactly the right water temperature. She uses shampoo which smells of fresh fruit and gives you a heavenly head massage which automatically relaxes your entire body.

After this either painful or divine experience we move on to the blow-dry. We have travelled to a different chair where the stone basin is visible behind you via a mirror. The high school trainee plugs in the hair dryer, grabs the round brush coated with bristles and attempts to blow-dry your hair straight. Grabbing your hair with the brush, the bristles constantly scrape your scalp while she holds the hair dryer in the wrong direction, blowing hot steam into your face and eyes, blurring your vision and burning your once perfect corneas. She carries on, not noticing that her clients’ eyes are filled with tears of pain. After a long 20 minutes you peer at the image reflected in the mirror. What you are confronted with is not the silky smooth, beautifully straight hair you were expecting. Instead you are faced with a puffy eyed, tear stained face, crowned by a horrible frizz ball of hair.

However with an experienced hairdresser wielding the hair dryer, not a single bristle touches your scalp, you hardly notice the pulling, and your eyes do not fill with painful tears. The result? Completely straight gleaming hair, give or take the salon flick at the end.

The next step is by far the most important part of getting your haircut. Clicking her gum, the high school trainee asks what you would like done.

 “Oh just a trim, to get rid of the dead ends.” You reply.

“No worries.” 

Twenty minutes later, your long brown luscious hair has been transformed into a short spiked bob. The hairdresser holds up the mirror and asks for your opinion, you smile and say thank you. Again you get stuck with the pudding.