Lost
A lot can happen in nine months. You can get a new job, move house, meet someone new or travel the world. You can even change everything you’ve ever known about yourself without realising. You can transform from a passionate, driven person to a numb empty shell.
How can someone change so dramatically you ask? For me it wasn’t until she was ripped from this world that this coldness crept in. This chill slowly spread over my body, trickling across my veins and turned them into ice. This infection quietly distanced myself from others around me. I began to feel disconnected to those I was close to, not by choice - by circumstance - I could no longer feel or relate to others. Those overpowering emotions of want and need are no longer there for me. It’s like I’m stale, my heart cold. I no longer feel that sense of desire, hope or fasciation.
As a big dreamer in the past, the future is now futile. It no longer matters what the next step is. That tinge of excitement that thrill of tomorrow no longer exists. That bright light that lived inside me has dimmed. Did I knowingly put myself here? Is this what my future now holds? Or will this limb existence pass? All I know is the brightness, laughter and excitement that burned so brightly inside me came from her and it only took nine months since she left this world for me to get this low and this dark. How can I come back from that? How can I regain something that has now been lost forever? Maybe it’s not possible. And if so, this numbing life will be mine always.
Is this such a bad thing? I mean why is being empty such a scary concept? Is the term uncomfortable for people to witness? Or is it a societal expectation that emptiness is a negative feeling and should immediately be repaired? Why can’t we remain in a numb state for a longer period of time? I mean existing in this state of emptiness no longer frightens me. The darkness no longer haunts me, because I’ve seen worse. I’ve seen the darkness take over. I've seen it grab me and choke me until I can’t breathe. Feeling something so powerful and distressing eliminates the fear and pain of everything else. Being so wounded means I can’t break anymore. The worst thing in the world has already happened to me. I lost her. And I can’t get her back. There is nothing I can do to fix this. The power is out of my hands and if you have no power you become less tempted to play the game that is life.
Feeling this emptiness isn’t self-harming in anyway. It’s just honest and real. Acknowledging that I'm no longer whole doesn’t mean the world ends; it just means I’m now living in a world that no longer excites me. And maybe that's okay, maybe I’m not that person anymore. Maybe I’m acting like that person going through the same motions but no longer feeling the excitement of life. No longer feeling fascinated, engaged or passionate. I can’t do anything else but exist now. That bright flame has weakened, only sparking when someone pokes it occasionally. And nobody has ever asked more of me. Except you.
You came along and saw through my pain - you noticed the fire through my cracks. Although a faint light you pushed me – you poked my coals – you asked more of me and I came alive. I felt again. I remembered her because of you.
Nine months can change a person forever, but if you meet someone within that time that can take you out of the darkness don’t say no. Give them your hand, because giving them your hand is not giving them your heart and a lot of people get that confused.